The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
