this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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