This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
