Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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