I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Randomize
