if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
