Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
