our cab driver is having phone sex.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
He has the fingertips of a God
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