his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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