Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
soo... how was my night?
Randomize
