Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
She bit a glass in half.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
