I seem to have left my pride at pride
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
