Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
