I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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