I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
