No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
