How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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