sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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