I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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