dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
