It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Randomize
