Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
