if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
zippers are such a cool invention
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Randomize
