Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
