My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Randomize
