So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
