new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
