im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Sorry about my life...
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
