Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
