The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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