I accidentally had phone sex last night
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
