dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
