I like my sex mixed with concussions.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
MIDGETS
????
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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