what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
