cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize
