she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
