how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
