Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
