Will you blow on my dice?
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
