TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
