Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
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