return my video game
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
