it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
50% drunk capacity currently
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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