My hand turned me down
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
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