My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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