omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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