Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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