Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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