I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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