Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
