So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
