What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
