now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
