dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
