My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I am available for nakedness
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
