I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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