Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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