help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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