yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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