so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
