So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
